paypal waltermackey@gmail.com [various sums of money] and i will write something about you or do anything on video for you in exchange for [various sums of money]—options incl. writing a poem about you, reading a poem about you on video, making a meal for you on video, talking about all of the people i hate on video, binge-drinking a flask of iceberg vodka and throwing up on video, punching myself in my face until there is a ‘visible bruise’ on video, eating fourteen big macs or ‘however many i can suffer through’ on video, writing you a list of reasons why i want to die, photocopying my financial history (past, present, and future) to prove to you that your money is ‘going to a good cause’, masturbating over a picture of whoopi goldberg’s face on video, etc.