‘i hate emotion’
‘i wish i was a snail’
‘i’d pour salt on my friends then on myself’
‘do u want some salt’

— a succession of text messages that my best friend brittnie just sent me; felt like they read as a poem

2013 is probably the best year for music in the past 5 years I feel. I can’t even keep up with all of the new releases. I feel bogged down. I just finished listening to ‘Through The Window’ by Prurient and now I feel like that is my AOTY but two hours ago Merzbow’s ‘Takahe Collage’ was my AOTY.

Kill yourself dead.

Today I made a man stop texting me by telling him that I was looking for a relationship and not a hook-up.

I don’t know if I would be able to describe him as shallow. I feel that I am somewhat accepting of others individual beliefs and feelings but I am not sure if I agree with what happened with this particular person today.

While it is true that some people are not looking for relationships, yet others would give anything to be in a relationship—I think it is terrible to end all communication with a person if they do not suit your interests or desires or needs. I feel that in this scenario, this was a shallow thing to do.

I feel that there is no particular person in my life, or proximal to my life at this moment that would want to be in a relationship with me. On the other hand, I feel as if the people that I want to be in a relationship with either: a) do not want to have anything to do with me, b) only want to remain friends with me, or c) they want to have sex with me and keep an emotional relationship outside of the confines of a physical relationship.

I cannot have anonymous sex with people anymore. I feel disgusted with the things I have done these past eight months. I am lonely, I am depressed, and I find myself grasping onto the people in my life that I am in love with but will never love me back. I feel like I am punishing myself every time I talk to someone because it hurts so much to talk to the people I love. I feel like I do not deserve to have anyone in my life. I feel worthless. I feel scared.

Living in a small city with a small LBGT population and an even smaller arts population makes it all the more difficult to find someone who suits my interests as ‘boyfriend material’. I feel that I could do better if I moved away but I have a college diploma tying me to this rock until April 2014. I know that moving away would be a positive event to take place in my life but I know that I need to find some way to boost my self-esteem and confidence and remove all daily thoughts of self-loathing before I think about purchasing a one-way plane ticket.

I am twenty-three years old and I just want to feel.